Episode 54: Better Than A Cookie-Cutter Life

Guests: Latasha + Shane Doyle

Lauren: So thank you both for joining me today. And I would love for you to just start with sharing your couple's journey, the journey of your relationship as it relates to health and your bodies and diagnoses and all of that.

Latasha: So we met 13 years ago and I've had Marfan syndrome my whole life. So I walked into this knowing full well that I was not built like other people at the time. We kind of thought it was more manageable than what it turns out that it is. Um, we thought that prior to my grandma dying that it was just, uh, a matter of, well, she didn't know that she had it. She wasn't in control of the situation. She died in the aortic dissection when I was two. So after that we assumed, “Oh, well now that we know we have it, we have intervention. We're good, we're fine.” And so I met him and I was like, “Yeah, I have this, but I should be cool. Not a big deal.” And then my aunt died in 2012. She had, um, an aortic dissection in 2011 and she survived it. But the surgery was so traumatizing that it was almost a year to the day that she died after that. So after that, we kind of had to look at each other and be like,” Oh so it turns out this is still a problem no matter how we look at it.” And I have severe asthma and scoliosis, so symptoms day to day are a problem. Stuff like that. So he's always kind of had to deal with me being the slow one in the background. Like you know, “Hey are you okay back there?” and I’m like “I’m fine, just keep going. And he helps me out more around the house. Like as I've gotten older, like cleaning is a no go for me. So he's had to help out a lot more with that stuff. There's stuff that... I can't lift weights. He's always kind of just picked up that mantle very well cause it's, it's not like we had a major event that all of a sudden he had to suddenly take this role. It was the role that we've kind of always had. And then as I, as I get older, it's sort of like every day I'm just like, Oh, turns out I can't do this now. There's a new thing.

Lauren: Yeah.

Shane: Yeah. Well it started out with that. We thought like, “Oh yeah, she’s got this condition and at some point probably in her forties or something we'll need to, she’ll need to surgery and it'll be fine.” Well, it turns out that surgery probably isn't always the best idea. There's other complications and other stuff that goes with it and who knows when or if and how all that stuff would work out. And then I know you (Latasha) with this condition, you have a few more ailments than all other people may or may not. Like with the asthma and allergies and Marfan. You've got more of the asthma and allergies and things like that and what not. Like you turn purple when you get hot or super, super overexerted really quickly and things like that.

Latasha: That's something, too. So, three years ago we had to actually move, which was kind of a suck on finances and just kind of like a hit to the pride after that. Cause we had to move into our house that didn't have stairs. That sucked. Like the day that I had to tell you we had to move. I was just like, “Well turns out I can't do stairs.” That sucked. But other than that, I feel like it's, it's just kind of our normal, like it's, there's not like a big event that has like shut down business so to speak and it's been more of a gradual kind of winding path.

Shane: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Latasha: And like some days are worse. Like there are days where I'm just like, I literally can't do anything. And that's when he's like, okay, so either, you know, he'll have to do dinner or dishes or whatever it is that I just can't do. But on a normal day I would say, you know...

Shane: Well I think we've had a lot of blessings in certain ways too, where I've got a pretty good government job at this point, got health benefits and things like that. So it's allowed you to pursue working for yourself and being able to work from home.

Latasha: Yeah. So before I started my content writing company, I was a nanny for a decade, which you can imagine that was brutal on the body and I hit 26 and I was just like, “I can't, I can't do this.” And that sucked too. But because he's always had like he had this job, I think we hadn't even been together a year when you got it.

Shane: I got right out of college.

Latasha: So yeah, he's always had this job that has really good benefits and that's part of the kind of give and take here is that he's always kept that job because of how solid benefits for me. And also just on a personal note that's allowed me to take a lot of creative license with my job because as a nanny, I never made bank obviously. Pay your nannies more people. But after that I started, you know, I work for myself. So it's like, you know, we have a very steady income, very steady health benefits that are a lot cheaper than if I were to just pay for them myself. And now that preexisting conditions are no longer a qualifying problem. That's nice. But they're still super expensive if you have a condition like mine where you’re uninsurable.

Lauren: So there is a sense of Latasha when you and I had your interview, I loved hearing the little snippets where you talked about Shane cause he seemed like the supportive character in your life who was also like a mirror to show back truth to you. And I thought that was so cool because you clearly really care about each other and can't pull me. And it was just really sweet cause you and I know each other. But Shane, this is my first time meeting you. And so like it's really neat to see you and to know like the other part of the team that you are. So part of what you're bringing also is you're like your guys were mentioning your job and I'm wondering what that's like for you to hold that for both of you, that that's your responsibility.

Shane: Yeah, I mean it's, it's always there. It's uh, a thing and I do know that that's part of why I have it, but I mean, it's a government job and it's an accounting and stuff, so I'm kind of that way to begin with. So it's not like I probably wouldn't be there anyway, but it is something that I make sure I have and can provide for her. I want, I definitely want that. I want to be, be able to take care of her and the health insurances definite concerning the best way to take care of 'em. But I mean, I enjoy my job. I do like it. I've promoted up throughout and stuff like that and it's still growing and whatnot. You're not just stagnating there, it's a, it's a good job and everything. But, um, but yeah, the health benefits are key. I mean, and also I think partly why I'm there is it's 40 hours a week. I mean that's hard to find in Denver at least. That's pretty good. In general. It offers time off and stuff so that, so there's lots of benefits. I've got a good bank of time. Um, so I have vacation time that I can —

Latasha: I'm just going to die and you can take a sweet vacation.

Shane: Yeah. And I mean there's other jobs too that had the same thing, but I mean, even just people in our, in my department and everything, like we're not saving lives here. You know, you do your job and you know, if you need to take time off, you take time off. You know, it's, it's a good environment that allows that, that benefit. The flexibility of, um, work life balance. That's the word I was looking for there.

Lauren: So it's like you, your job really does work for you and knowing yourself as you do, you probably would stay there a long time anyway. And there's the added awareness like, okay. And this is extra important for Latasha as well.

Shane: Exactly.

Lauren: So one of the things, the jokes that you just made, Latasha about “Or I’ll just die and you can take a really sweet vacation.” You guys, I mean death has been a part of your relationship of your living relationship. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Shane: Oh, it's the whole, this whole trip is, everything will be fine or it won't, I mean it is what it is.

Latasha: I, I was also raised by a nurse, so it's always been a, um, my mom was a nursing home, like supervisor most of my life. So she's very used to people dying and it's always been something that I was always, it was always talked about in my house. Like, you know, sometimes it's okay to just die. It's okay. So I kind of brought that in and I feel like I've just worn him down over a time. So now even he can make the jokes and our whole group of friends can make the jokes. But that's definitely something that we, we talk about a lot. We have to talk about it cause it's like we have no clue when this is gonna happen. The average age of an aortic dissection is about 42 and that's when my grandma died. That's when my aunt had her aortic dissection. My mom is 49 now, so she's cool. She's fine. But I'm 31 now so it's something that we have to talk about. It was a much different situation.

Shane: I guess it's true. You don't just jump right into it with like, “Oh by the way, I’m gonna die.” I mean you kinda did. But like you don't accept it necessarily just right away. You kind of — well, maybe you do. But I think you kind of grow into it because at my family, I'm, I'm very young for my parents. One other thing I'm, my parents are like seventies early seventies and stuff. So they're a bit older and like “healthy” people just assume and take for granted tomorrow. Like forever. Oh, I always have tomorrow. That's a different mentality to be thinking that you, that you don't. My, my dad had a triple bypass that he had had a couple of years ago and that's just something they weren't thinking about and things like that. And like death is just not something that healthy people think about. And it's, I mean, I think that's just really one of the biggest things that I think there's a great positive of, of this whole thing is that like, you have to live like you, you know, if like, I've seen it many times in government too, cause I'm a government worker, people waiting, Oh I'm gonna, you know, once I retire I'm gonna go here and do this and do that. That's not guaranteed. And then your health is crap by the time you get there. And then all this stuff. So you're not actually living now and things like that. So, yeah, I mean that's true. You got to, it's a balance. I mean we're not spending everything we've got now and to do whatever, but it's, it's a balance and you can't, you can't take tomorrow for granted. It's a weird concept to, to really totally accept, I guess.

Latasha: Yeah. But also when I first, I'm sure if I dated more, it would be an initial like, “Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Like there are doctors for that sort of thing.” And I think that that's sort of the mentality that he did come into it with. And then after my aunt it was like, “Oh this... doctors can't fix this.” So I think over time it's evolved from like, “Oh, you'll be fine” to like, “Oh, so we actually have to do this, we have to accept this and work around it and work with it.”

Shane: And it hasn't taken away from the experience. I think it's made it better because the conversations that we have now are like, well let's do it. Like, whatever it is, you know, whenever you need to take care of yourself or whatever we can do now before.

Latasha: You know, we need to take international trips sooner rather than later cause those are hard on my body. So like Peru is out for sure already. If you go to Machu Picchu without me, I'm leaving.

Lauren: Yeah. Machu Picchu versus a single level home and it's like two ends of the spectrum. Shane, I heard you say that it's a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but also you feel grateful for it in a way. Like to be able to have that conversation.

Shane: Yeah. Yeah. I mean it takes some accepting I guess would be my way to put it. But it never deterred me to begin with. But it was just, I dunno, it kinda changes I guess. You know, you see what it is. I think, I mean we got together and we were younger too. When you, you know, you always think you're invincible when you're young, but now the reality is... nothing, nothing's going to stop you. And that's not how I thought. And it was always just like, “Oh, whatever, we’ll kick that can down the road. I don't need a will, I don't need whatever. It's, it's doesn't matter.” But yeah, then seeing how it is and whatnot, like my family, you know, something happens. “Oh well the doctors will take care of that.” And it's not always that way. It hasn't always been that way with us too. And we've had our fair share of tragedies and things as well and our family. But for the most part we've been pretty blessed. And one other thing I was wanting to say is, you know, life isn't fair. I mean, that's just the way it is. It doesn't matter who you are...

Latasha: I’ve just been given brand of unfair?

Shane: You're given the hand you're dealt, and you play it as best you can. I mean, really it's a journey. I mean, that's what life is, is it's the experiences you have while you're here. And I wouldn't have had these same experiences. I would have assumed that life is whatever I would have married somebody else and had three kids and picket fence and whatever kind of thing it is and not really thought about it. But I think, you know, you've definitely made me think a lot more and have made it more real. So you can't take it for granted in ways.

Shane: I love our life and I love what we've gotten built, but it's not what I expected, but I don't think life is ever what anybody expects. You make choices hoping for the best. And I'm very happy that I've chosen to be with you.

Latasha: You should be.

Shane: You're pretty cool. But yeah, I mean it's just, it's, it's a different mindset even from being “healthy” and knowing that I probably could take tomorrow for granted, but I can't necessarily take [inaudible] tomorrow with you for granted. Like, well, maybe we will be able to do this. Maybe we won't. Maybe we, you know, maybe we can go on this walk or hike or whatever, but probably not like, you know, things like that. Like it doesn't limit what we can do, but we have to plan around. But we do those things where other people just think, “Oh we can do that tomorrow” and then tomorrow never comes. Or they wait and wait and wait and then thing other things happen. It's just, it's not a, yeah, I mean you can't take it for granted. So agreed. Hopefully that answers that.

Lauren: I just feel like sitting for a moment to take it in because it's just so powerful. Like so powerful that even Latasha said “That was good.” These little like just these little moments that we're sharing right now I know are just one piece of your whole relationship. You're kind of reflecting it back.

Latasha: Yeah. Well it's always this magical for sure.

Lauren: All the time. It's always golden hour. So I'm going to ask you guys to turn and face each other and just take a moment together and want to invite anyone to go first and just see if you have a question for your partner. Kind of like you're the one interviewing for a moment, so you can start by saying, one question I have for you is…

Latasha: One question I have for you… today is, does it bother you when you tell other people about my condition?

Shane: No, it doesn't bother me. Their reactions are their reactions. No, your condition isn't you. It's a part of you. I didn't marry you because of, or in spite of, your condition. And some people have other things they have to deal with. I don't, that doesn't bother me. And some people have even said, what is it like, “Oh, I can't believe you are... I wouldn't be very into that.” Or “I can’t believe you signed up for that.” And I don't associate with those people. I mean, I think that's a very selfish mindset. To think somebody is only as good as one limitation is asinine.

Latasha: Yeah. But in their defense. I do have a lot of limitations.

Shane: No, I've, I am very happy to be with you. I'm very proud of you. I love every day we have together. You're my favorite person.

Latasha: Mine too. Tara is a close second.

Lauren: Shane, if you have a question, you're welcome to share yours with Latasha.

Shane: Do you feel like you're not good enough because of your condition?

Latasha: No. I feel like that actually makes me more me. But I definitely think like physically, yeah, I don't, I'm nowhere near as capable as what most people are, but I've never once felt like I didn't deserve something. It's just more, um, it's not so much in that moment, a question of whether or not I’m good enough for something. It's just more like, is it good enough for me? Like is that worth the energy kind of thing. My question for you is, does that make sense?

Shane: So you've never felt held back or anything by your condition per se…

Latasha: I feel like I would have been in the Olympics. I know if it wasn't for that…

Shane: I feel like you're hiding behind your jokes.

Latasha: Oh shut up.

Lauren: There's the truth reflector.

Latasha: I feel like it's pushed me forward in a lot of ways. I'm also like slammed me down so like I don't have a big social group or I go hiking a lot. Shocker. Just stuff like that. Stuff that other people get to do that. Also. It's like, I don't know that I'm missing out on much except the really cool views, stuff like that. But I just don't, I feel like what we have, what I get to do on a daily basis, a lot richer than what most people get to experience. Even though there are days where I'm just like pissed off that my body doesn't work. Especially like, like physical stuff, like I'll never ever be able to hike fourteeners and stuff like that with other people.

Shane: I think what you mean is you enjoy having a closer knit group of friends that understands that there are limitations to what you can and can't do rather than, “Oh, we're going hiking. Oh, you can do that or you don't want to go.”

Latasha: Right. So you must not want to be part of this group. Or they pull the pity card, but I don't really have that. I haven't had that a long time. So as we've gotten older, people have gotten a lot better about like processing through things. Instead of being like “Oh that sucks.” Or “Oh my God, I'm so sorry for you.” People are getting a lot better. Maybe it's just that we're better at finding those people who know have fewer negative reactions than strangers on the street probably. I don't talk to them though. Try to avoid that at all costs actually.

Latasha: Do you feel held back because of my condition?

Shane: No. I just sometimes don't want to always, let's leave you behind in certain things, but we're just different people. And we have different interests too in certain areas. Like I know you can't be as physical, but not that I'm the most physical of people, but I mean I can go hiking or whatnot.

Latasha: And you know that you can do that, right?

Shane: Yeah.

Latasha: If you want to.

Shane: Yeah, I know I can, but I'm not going to be like “Here's what I'm doing.” So, ya know.

Latasha: Within moderation, you know that you can do that because there are things like… you go biking with people and there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to go biking like mountain biking. So that kind of stuff, that's fine. But you can never go to Machu Picchu without me. Straight up.

Lauren: He's like, shit, I have to find a way to refund that ticket. So if you want to go for another round and share, um, this time, one thing I want you to know. So if you want to turn to each other and just see what comes up, see what happens.

Latasha: One thing I want you to know... told you she was going to make me cry. Um, one thing I want you to know is that you've been so supportive through everything that I've had to go through and I wish that most people got we have. You have a huge stabilizing force both emotionally and physically. Even though you’re skinny, but you've taken care of me in a way that I don't think most people would know how to do because it's not just physically making sure that I'm okay. It's, how you handle the anxiety that comes with this condition and the fear, the unknown. All of that. You’ve done a very good job of giving me the space to have... It's a safe space with you. So that's all I want you to know. Also, I want you to know that I'm very glad that you do so much. I know that some days that can be the last thing you want to do when you get home. But I know that if there's something done around the house needs done around the house that I can't do… I know you're going to do it, and that means a lot. Cause you know I like a clean house.

Shane: Well you do a lot already as it is. As for me, I just want you to know you don't hold me back. I know you might think that some days.

Latasha: Yeah, except going uphill when you have to carry my backpack.

Shane: And I want you to know that if I had to do it all over again, I would.

Latasha: I know. I would too.

Shane: You can’t choose everything that life throws at you. But I’d always choose you. I don't want you to know anything else. You know too much you think you do.

Latasha: That's true.

Lauren: So I want to invite you, if you are up for it in this, still facing each other, you know, as you sit across from each other, if you're open to talking a little bit, kind of in the way that you would at home or in the car or wherever about this topic of death, because so few people talk about it and the two of you are kind of practiced at it.

Latasha: Yeah. Hey babe, I'm having palpitations. If you don't hear from me, I might be dead. He gets that text a lot and he hears a lot of the days where I have a little bit more anxiety about that potential. And when he hears the days where I'm just like, “You know what, let's call it. Like I'm good. I'm happy. Or I have such a rough physical day, but I'm just like, “Ugh, no more of this.” But we have a very open dialogue about what happens when I die? Yeah, we definitely talk about…

Shane: What do you always joke about? If I die before you, you're going to kill me?

Latasha: Yeah cause this is not what I planned. This is not what I what I ordered!

Lauren: Oh there's a lot of truth to that.

Shane: I mean, yeah, chances are very high that I will outlive you. But at what exact point?

Latasha: That is kind of the hard part here is...I could go right now and they would be super traumatized. But you also, we've talked about this so much that you know what to do if there is a medical emergency and I don't think a lot of people do that. So like for me, I don't want to have emergency surgery. I don't want to go through what Lisa I went through.

Shane: Yeah. And that's, that's one of the hardest things probably for me. Not what you do and don't want. But I don't know what that time is going to bring. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to be in pain or something that you don't want either. So. So it's a fun conversation.

Latasha: We talk about it a lot in detail. Like, well, if I'm not conscious, who makes that call? Yeah. But I mean it's heavy.

Shane: It is. But really it's knowing that it could happen at any time or it may or may not. But it's, it's just taking advantage of what we have now. Living. Yeah.

Latasha: Living day to day and making sure that at any point my wishes are clear —

Shane: And that's changed. And that's something else that I think people might want to know. Back when you were in your 20s and we didn’t know anything, you were like “I want to live like, I’ll do whatever.” And then as time progresses and as you see, what does or doesn't happen with similar people and with your condition and stuff here, your wishes have kind of evolved and whatnot. So just making sure that that is… And I mean, it's gonna suck without you, but not gonna drag you through ell and high water just for my selfish needs either. So yeah. Death is a shitty conversation, but it's inevitable. I mean, I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily. Like I've said before, knowing that you may or may not have as long as most people or expect whatever it may be. I think you experience it more fully. I think we've experienced life more fully than many people that are in their nineties even life isn't fair. And if you think it's going to be, then you're an idiot. So I mean you're, you, you deal with it as you can and you live it. And I think we've lived it and I'm glad we're able to come out here and see your friends and make friends and experience the world. I mean I also think something else that I haven't really touched on yet is it's perspective and reaction. I mean I think your reaction and perspective to things is a big thing. And how you live life. I mean if somebody cuts you off in traffic, are you going to be pissed and this, that and the other thing. Are you just going to let it go? And, okay, well that sucked. That was part of my life, but at least it didn't kill me. You know, like he cut me off, but whatever, I'm still here or are you going to rant and rave about that and be fixated on that and not actually do anything, not live. This guy infringed upon my rights, whatever. That sucks. It's not, it's not fair, but we are better off than a lot of people and a lot of people are better off than us, but we're here and we make the best of it and it's got to end at some time. Right. So I don't know if we've really exactly talked about or exact conversations about it.

Latasha: I feel like that's a pretty accurate representation.

Lauren: It seems like a typical conversation. It seems like death is part of your rich life together and each time you mention it, I can see the depth of, it's not like you guys are talking about gratitude that death happens. It's more gratitude that you get to keep the awareness of it in your heart as you live.

Latasha: Yeah. I think that we talk about that a lot, that it's actually made it better because now I'm not putting anything off as a couple. We do things so much more together and we really focus on that time just because it's, it's always there. It's always a concern. When I say concern, it's not like hovering over us like a scary cloud. It's just this is the reality of the situation and we're going to make the most of it. I think there's a general fear of death period for us, as in like everybody. But I think, I mean I don't want to die, but it's going to happen. I feel like I've accepted it to a level that most people haven’t. And like I'm still going to be really pissed when I kick the bucket, but I'm also going to be like, eh…

Shane: You're not going to be anything when you're dead.

Latasha: I'm going to haunt your ass. That's what I’m going to do.

Shane: I mean, I don't know if this is, it seems like an okay point to say it, but I mean the thing is too, we, I grew up very religious, but I'm not anymore. And I don't think that you need to be in order to deal with or not deal with death or conditions. Anything like that. I mean, you don't have to, I mean, I think having a higher power that you believe in and all that is, is great. And I think that works for a lot of people. But for us it's, it's not, but it doesn't need to be either. Like I think life is what it is and we're here to experience it. Whether you believe one thing or don't, I don't think… death... it's something that happens. It's not something that we need to be afraid of, but I don't want to like invite it over for dinner tomorrow or anything either. But, um, but yeah, I mean it's going to happen to everybody and I've, I've seen it even with grandparents and things that are aging and scared of death and it's like, I think that whole going back to that everyone thinks they have tomorrow. Like it's always there. “Well I can do that later” and then they've just never done it because I can always do it later and then later never comes in. It's always what you regret having not done or whatnot. You're very good at, “Well we, I want to do this, so how can we do it?”

Latasha: It's also just a personality thing.

Shane: Oh yeah, that's what I'm saying. Your personality is who you are. I mean that's who you are. Your condition isn't who you are. I think it's definitely advised a lot of it though, it's a part of it for sure. Yeah. So it was genetics. So it was upbringing. So it was the third grade bully that picked on you.

Latasha: I mean, that dude really exists.

Shane: They do exist for everybody, but if you're just going to sit there and cry about it, that's one way to live it. But I think that's not the best way and the most fulfilling way to live your life. Like you said, just those are circumstances and how you react to it and how you get past it. I mean, I think conditions can be limiting, you know, but it doesn't have to limit life. It can limit certain things. Like you're not going to go do a triathlon and you don't want to, thankfully, but it's not something that is in your cards, but it doesn't mean you can't do other things. It doesn't mean you couldn't see one if that's what you want to do. It doesn't mean you can't follow your favorite people or something like that.

Latasha: I just find different ways to do things.

Lauren: I really appreciate both of you for being yourselves, you know, in a way that's allowing us in and allowing us to also reap the benefits of all the work that you've done as a couple. This isn't easy stuff. It's not cut and dry and you've had many years of navigating and joking and crying and going deep and really being showing up for yourselves and for each other. It's just so clear in how you talk.

Latasha: There's a lot of nights where I won't let him sleep cause I have so many questions. I have so many things to talk about and hee's like, “Ah, I just wanna go to sleep!”

Shane: Do you want me to tell everybody how you're empathetic, but you're not sympathetic.

Latasha: Everybody knows now. Thank you.

Lauren: So the last part of the interview I do in a couples way, which is … given everything that you've been through together as a couple individually, I'm curious what you would say it means to you to live a fulfilling life and have a fulfilling relationship. And is that definition of fulfillment impacted by this health journey?

Shane: I think I've touched on it before. I think it is a more fulfilling life because I know we've changed each other. I know with being an accounting type, I was always more of a saver and like I said, like everyone else I thought that tomorrow will come, I'm like “I'll save all this up and then when unknown future events happen, then I will be able to reap the rewards of what I've saved for.” But if you just delay and do those things you and tomorrow never comes… I wouldn't have lived as fully, I wouldn't have loved as fully, I think. think I just...

Latasha: That's true. That part is definitely true. I think for me it's just a matter of, like I said on my interview, that I think I'm more myself because of this condition and I think that that has benefited both of us because it's definitely forced us to get very real and raw and I feel like that's made this whole relationship a lot more fulfilling. I think that what I have with you is something that I wish everybody could have — except the bully from third grade. But I do, I feel like this has made us a lot stronger as a couple. I think that some people would consider it to be a risk or a downside. But I feel like it's actually made this life better, much more fulfilling.

Lauren: Do you guys have any funny moments, from medical stories or health stuff that's come up that's been funny in any way?

Latasha: I think for us it's just kind of being able to, we like to roast each other and our group of friends really love roasting each other, so there just a lot of jokes shot back and forth via text or you know, they'll make jokes about like, “Oh Tash couldn't do that anyway.” Like, “Oh Tash, can you go grab that?” And it's like up a hill or up the stairs and that's just a, we can still have a lot of fun with it and we just laugh at it a lot I think, which is part of my coping mechanisms for sure.

Lauren: There's a lot of pressure with this question

Shane: I think you're just being real with it. Sometimes just is funny that, “Well, I guess we can't do this.” Yeah, there's definitely been a lot of change of plans or things like, “Oh well let's do this, let's do this,” and then it just doesn't happen.

Latasha: Or you know, we'll make jokes like about getting old and we'll both say, “Oh, we don't have to worry about that for Latasha.” It's just these little little moments of dark humor that I know somebody's listening and when that conversation is going to be like, “What is wrong with these people?” But it is, it's kind of become our love language because that's part of like for me, I'm not gonna shut up about it. Everybody's going to know.

Lauren: I feel like sometimes humor is a way to claim it as our own, you know? Like I get to own this more than it owns you.

Latasha: Yeah. And knowing that I'm not really afraid of it. Also just the conversations we have where I know my eyes wandering, like I can see him just like, “o I say something, not say something” or because of my asthma and allergies, the amount of snot I produce a human is insane. He wakes up in the morning and he's just got like tissues scattered throughout the bed. He's just like, ah. He deals with that a lot.

Shane: I guess some of the funny thing is that people just don't realize because of your asthma and allergies, you can't smell 99% of the time. So I'll just describe things like what I'm smelling and people just get kind of baffled by that.

Latasha: Like we'll be walking on the street and he's like, “I smell shit.”

Shane: Like, yeah, it smells like dog shit.

Latasha: He's well versed in the shits

Shane: Or like, “Oh this, this thing is something that's cooking over here.” Or “Oh there's smoke, let's get you, you know, somebody's smoking, let's get you away from here.

Latasha: He’s like my personal cigarette smoke detector.

Shane: But like I just describe what I'm smelling all the time. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I think I've probably done it without you there and people are like, “What the hell are you telling me this for now?”

Latash: That’s amazing.

Lauren: That is pretty funny, especially about just people like, “Wow, that gentleman is very descriptive of what he's picking up.”

Shane: What was the other night? I think you accidentally turned the gas fire on and I was like, I smell a lit candle. Like it smells like hot wax or something. Oh, I left the fire on. That's why that's on, that's what that smell is.

Latasha: I would be screwed. Like the house would have blown up by now if I didn't have your nose.

Lauren: What do you as a couple, what do you both have now that you might not have had without this health journey?

Shane: I think our relationship, I don't, I don't think I would have it. I think that most of what I have is guided by a lot of my condition, but I feel like the strength of our relationship, I don't know that I, I, this was not modeled to me in my life. I had no idea that this is what a marriage could look like.

Shane: So I think that that's a huge benefit as a healthy person. I think from what I hear you and others saying all the time is, “Well, I have this condition so I'm not worthy” or I can't… “A normal person wouldn't accept me and whatnot.” And I just, that's not true. I exist. People like me exist. You're not limited by that. Like it's a part of you, but that's not who you are. And being able to live with you and experience everything with you, like you've definitely changed me a lot and mostly for the better. But it's been a very fulfilling life and I love everything we've had and done together. I mean, there are people that, “Oh, I wouldn't have signed up for that” or “How could you do that?” Or “That's not for me.” Those people exist, but, and a lot of them are more of the people that are more out there and outgoing and things. There's a lot more introverted people that aren't like that. Um, I, I mean, they exist. You can focus on the bad or you can put that behind you. For me it's like I'm super glad that I got to know you and that I've met you. Like this is so much better than a cookie cutter life Okay, got married. Okay and what's next? Get a house. Okay, what's next? Okay. Kids. Okay. That like, and just going through the motions rather than actually living and planning and doing.

Latasha: If you do all of those things, that is perfectly fine too. But for people who have conditions, there are people out there who, who want to have this richness with them.

Shane: You want to have this relationship and you can have like life is what you make it and you can have whatever you want. There are people out there, but what I thought I would have, and I'm sure what you thought you would have, it's not what you do have. You've got to be open to experiences and things, but you can't expect, it has to be a certain way or else, but you, you can't compromise on certain things to like better. But yeah, it's been better. Yeah.

Lauren: Finish the sentence. This is not what we ordered.

Shane: I think it is what I ordered

Latasha: ...But it tastes delicious.

Shane: It is what I ordered. It isn't what I necessarily thought or knew exactly how it would be, but I wouldn't change it. And I do it again. If I had do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd kind of prefer that you didn't have the condition to you too, but I still also don't know how different it would be if you didn't. So...

Latasha: I would just take a working nose.

Lauren: Latasha, would you finish the sentence, uh, any special way.

Latasha: This is not what we ordered, but it’s delicious.

Lauren: You guys do have delicious relationship, and I know it's just a snapshot, but thank you so much for spending this time.

Latasha: Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for letting me come over and cry on your couch.

Lauren: It's an honor.