Episode 69: Season 3 Finale

Lauren: Welcome to the season three finale of this is not what I ordered. I'm really excited for you to join me today because we're going to be going over highlights from episodes throughout the year. And I want to acknowledge that this year has spanned, it feels like much more than a year. In terms of all that's happened. We're in the midst of the covid 19 pandemic. There is a racial justice movement underway. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has just passed away, we're about to have the 2020 election. And there are wildfires across the west of the United States, causing all kinds of displacement and challenge and smoke and health issues. And so I want to acknowledge that you knew this is a really important moment in time. And it's been especially important to me, that we've stayed connected over this time through the episodes. And I think you'll get a lot from going back and looking at all that we covered over the past year, and specifically those really special heart centered moments. And I want to share them with you and some of my thoughts about each episode. And these season finales are actually the most popular episodes for the podcast. And I think a big reason is because people can go back and feel like they're getting some more of those little reminders of wisdom throughout the season. And it's really fun because literally everyone who's been on the podcast this season is going to be featured in today's episode. So enjoy yourself. This is one of the longer episodes and I know I tend to go back and listen to the season finales a lot when we're in between seasons. So I hope you enjoy it. And I also am excited to share with you some updates from some of the guests who want to share with us what's been going on in their lives and say hello to you since they last joined us. Before we get started, I want to thank Podigy, the amazing podcast editors for this is not what I ordered. I really encourage you to connect with them at prodigy.co if you're looking for an excellent editing team, and you can mention this is not what I ordered to get 50% off your first month of editing. And also you can stay tuned in the end for a great little message from Daniel who edited this season. I also want to thank Lily Sloane from Lily makes sound. She is the person who weaves music into each episode. And she's also a psychotherapist. So it's a wonderful mix of talents that she brings. And if you are interested in getting in touch with her you can go to Lily makes sound.com Thanks Lily. And as always, I want to thank the patrons of this is not what I ordered. It's truly from your support that this show has been able to continue. So for folks who want to join Patreon you can go to this is not what I ordered dot com slash support. And that's a great way to stay in touch and support podcast. And also there's going to be a special Patreon. Thank you at the end of this episode, so stay tuned if you want to hear your name, because you are a really important part of the show. In Episode 45, highly sensitive and thriving April Snowe, who's a dear friend of mine joined me in my living room for the very first episode of season three, she and I had a really awesome time talking about what it means to be a highly sensitive person and have chronic illness. And if you are not familiar with the term, highly sensitive person, you can visit HSP dot com and that's a wonderful resource to understand some of your superpowers as being a sensitive person. Here's a really special moment from our conversation when April shared about the role that her health challenges have played in her life and how she makes meaning of them.

April: They've really helped me see how strong I am. and resilient I am. How much I'm able to do this fight some of these difficulties that I've had, yeah, where my body isn't working the way I want it to work. Yeah, it's just really it's been a teacher in a sense, it's helped me realize that there's more going on than what's on the surface. I mean, it's really taught me how to take the path inward. This is what I'm seeing, but what's underneath. It's informed my process around therapy around my own self exploration, looking at the deeper layers, and also realizing that everything doesn't have to be perfect to pursue your interest in your dreams. I'm not going to wait for my exit to go away or to do you know, this is my healing going through this deeper healing journey, which I've been on and I continue to be on, I'm not going to wait for that to be at the at the final phase before I start to live my life. It's happening simultaneously and moving in and out. So it's really helped me realize that I am okay, just the way I am. And that took me a long time to get to.

Lauren: Spending this time with April was so special to me. And I've actually gone back and listened to this episode several times because they get so much out of it. After we created this episode, April and I hosted an additional conversation as a live event called creating your life outside the box. And it's all about breaking the rules of what you've been told for how you should live your life and designing a life that meets your unique needs. And you can check out the events page for the podcast if you want to watch the replay. Here's a message from April.

April: Hi, this is April snow from Episode 45. highly sensitive and thriving. Since my conversation with Lauren, I've been able to give myself more permission to show up as I am and honor any health challenges as opportunities to rest and reflect to listen to my body. Over the past few months, this has definitely been put to the test. There has been a lot of change and uncertainty all around us. Definitely a lot of letting go for me. I've been choosing uses time to come back to myself, look at what paths I want to be walking down and reconnect with my spiritual practice. born out of this process has been a book I wrote on mindfulness or stress relief that comes out November 2020. I've also been working with Lauren to dream up and to gain clarity around what I want to be next for me, what will work for me, I hope you can give yourself permission to listen to that inner voice and honor your own unique needs.

Lauren: In Episode 46, finding a new way through pain with Stephen Wiener. We talked about Stephens experience of managing the loss of his ability to save for a period of time due to his health challenges and the chronic pain that he was managing and how he was able to change his relationship with the music and actually deepen it through the period of restriction. And it was not what he would have chosen for himself. But I love the way he describes what he did do with what he had, and how moving through this pain helped him to connect with his listeners on a much deeper level.

Stephen: Initially, you know, losing the ability to play guitar and the ability to use my arms started focusing more on writing lyrics and writing melodies. And I learned a lot about just that one part of the songwriting process. And then it comes more challenging when I couldn't sing, trying to say to myself, okay, this is an opportunity to do a lot of research and read and watch a lot of documentaries and try to take a moment to learn about the world and about this country, meaning it all lined up with the 2015 2016 primaries. So you know, there was a lot to chew on there. Yeah, every time trying to find the opportunity in my adversity. Even now, I don't want to sort of kill the ending, but I am performing and I am releasing Music again, which feels incredible. And sometimes I get into a funk, where I'm looking at other musicians, my age or other people who I used to consider peers, either back in college or a little after. And seeing them, you know, without day jobs and making real headway in their career, and then looking at myself, and it's hard not to compare. But then I remember this gift of wisdom that I've been given. And not only that, but now, having this greater purpose for the platform, I'm growing as a, you know, people person on social media, and just a person with a voice, to be able to help other people that have had similar experiences, to hopefully be able to distill some of those experiences into music.

Lauren: And since we last spoke with Stephen, he has released a new album, and I would really encourage you to go check it out, because he sings about his experience with his health condition. And it's pretty incredible to listen to him. In Episode 47, acceptance is power with Cheryl Chan, I really loved that we were connecting from across the world. And one of the issues with sounds that showed up was that Cheryl's birds were tweeting in the background. And at first as a podcast host, I was like, Oh, no, this is a problem. But then we realized there was, first off, there is no way to stop bird sounds from happening. And second, that it really added to the feel of the episode. And it was just really lovely to connect in that way. And it was exciting to talk to Cheryl because she hosts a chronic voice, which is a blog and an online community, for folks living with health challenges. And in the episode, she talks about the gifts that come from connecting with people all over the world with a variety of health challenges.

Cheryl: I learned a lot about how do you say like, interacting with people online, the social aspect. And I made a lot of new friends online. So that was pretty cool. People from all over the world that just became friends, because we read each other's blogs, we help each other share. And, you know, they understand when I'm in pain and stuff like that. And I got through learn through reading their blogs, much about many more other diseases as well. That was interesting, because I learned, I think, not just through writing, I've learned a lot just from reading people. Yeah.

Lauren: I think that that's one of the unintended things that can happen as we connect across the world is we learn about each other's conditions. And you know, in some cases, we will overlap. But like, in many cases, much of the people that I'm meeting in our chronic illness community have stuff that I don't have, and so it's Yeah, we're in right to learn what their unique experiences are. This was a great conversation with Cheryl. And she also talked a lot about how her sense of empowerment shifted when she changed her relationship with her illness in terms of acceptance, which she doesn't see as a passive thing. She sees it as a strength that allows her to use her energy to do good things in the world. And if you haven't checked out a chronic voice yet, you can visit it at a chronic voice calm. And here is a message from Cheryl.

Cheryl: Hello, this is Cheryl have a chronic voice come from Episode 47. Thank you, Lauren for inviting me to share an update about my life here. I've been personally coping and recovering from a pain flare that's lasted about six weeks now, due to work related stress. It was such an important reminder of my limits with chronic illness and the need to respect that boundary. And that sometimes certain stresses in life can and should be avoided. It's all pretty difficult decisions to make. But one thing's for sure pain flares are so not worth it. I absolutely love what Lauren is doing with this is not what I ordered and how she just keeps going. I love the variety of people and stories told and the wisdom each of them has to share. I hope that you're coping okay with the pandemic going on and staying safe. I know it's pretty frustrating staying indoors all day, even though you love your family. Sending you good thoughts all the way from Singapore. See ya.

Lauren: In Episode 48 releasing perfectionism with Lily Sloane. I was joined by my good friend Lily again in my living room. It was a really honest conversation. And I will say this episode got some of the the most feedback from so many people reaching out to say, Oh my gosh, I needed to hear this. Thank you so much to Lily for being so honest and open. And I love that Lily got to finally join me as a guest on the show, because she's been the music editor for the podcast for the past two seasons. So it was really special in another way, because she scored her entire episode with music that she has created. Here's a clip from our conversation where she talks about what it's like living with an undiagnosed condition, which I know as so many people in our community can relate to.

Lily: So my my health journey right now is around living with it. And not knowing what it is. There's like a he saved that part. I just feel like a little heart ache, as you say that you feel a heartache about hearing that. I'm like that that reflection just kind of like brings me back into it in a way that I think a lot of the time, I'm just sort of keeping it at bay. Sometimes I don't think as much about this stuff. And then I have those little moments like you're describing right now. And I'm like, Oh, crap. This is like a real thing. Yeah, this is an actual thing I'm carrying. Yeah. And I think along with that, the bigger challenge is all the stories that come with it. And so even though most you know, I can point to this bladder thing as this kind of primary piece. It's not the only thing and there's been so many things and I just haven't felt like I was somebody who benefited from from help. So frequently, going to the doctor for various ailments and aches and pains. And I think I think I do carry a lot in my body. And Samantha sighs a lot of emotion, but so frequently getting well we did all the tests, and there's nothing wrong with you. So it's probably stress, which is, you know, they say stress, because what they really should say is we don't know. Yeah, we don't know. Sometimes it can be stress, or stress is always there. Stress can always be a factor. But also great. Now what, right? Like, yeah, what am I supposed to do with that? Not information. Yeah, price, the price, I'm stressed? Why can't they just say we don't know. Sorry, we don't know, I believe you. But we're gonna have to keep looking into it. We might not have the ability to find out right now. And that's really hard to sit with. But it's good. It's easier than sitting with, there's something that I'm doing wrong.

Lauren: It was great sitting with Lily. And I especially appreciated her perspective on being willing to say I don't know, because I've taken that with me in my life and have found is incredibly helpful in validating people. And also acknowledging where my awareness and knowledge has its limits. Here's a message from Lily.

Lily: Hi, this is Lily Sloane from episodes 48 and 62. It's going to give you a little update on what's going on with me. I just turned off several fans in order to record this. And afterwards, I might go jump into a bathtub full of ice water and sing really loudly. I don't know, I can do that. Now. Because I'm living alone. For the first time in my life. This time has brought about like both needing people so badly. And feeling all this isolation, and disconnection but also really needing room to spread out a bit free. I mean, I've been sleeping and eating and working and exercising and binge watching TV and staring into the void all in the same small space for months now, with very little escape or variation. So I'm really lucky to be able to spread out a little bit. But it's funny with this whole idea of opening up space really neat. Because people are saying that to me, they're like, oh, you're opening up space in your life. You just so many things are going to and I kind of want to punch them. It sounds so romantic and self carry, like, everything's going to be great. But what it actually means is facing the unknown, staring into that void, really looking at where needs aren't being met in my life. Yeah, remove some junk from a shelf in the closet. But now what pain, physical or emotional doesn't need to be spun into silver or gold. Sometimes that happens but I'm trying to run Remember that this isn't about forcing the beautiful insights and epiphany as I thought were coming. It's more like acknowledging that a big chunk of time is just fucking uncomfortable. And it's not because I'm bad or deserve to her, or I'm not trying hard enough. It's feeling uncomfortable not knowing why, and not knowing how and when it's going to feel better.

In Episode 49, learning to love my own heart with Sherry Espinosa, I was lucky enough to meet Sherry, who is a listener of the podcast and who got to work with me on the mastermind that we had last year, I got to meet her in person for the first time in Arizona, where she lives and just sit with her across the table and have a conversation about her health journey. And just understand that Sherry is somebody who never dreamed herself to be on a podcast or imagined that she would be public about her health challenges in this way. And when I invited her to become a guest on the podcast, she took a moment I realized how scary that sounded, and then said, Yes, because that's what I'm practicing now is saying yes, to the things that scare me, because, you know, we only have so much time on this earth, and she's done so much work and been impacted by living with her health challenges. And in this episode, there's this really special moment, or she talks about moving from isolation to connection and revealing herself more in the world.

Sherry: I mean, I could have just stayed in my little cocoon. But I had to something made me break out and, and, and push myself out. It was just one of the it was like a it had to be done. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. It feels really like a spiritual thing. For me, this whole thing has been a very definitely a spiritual journey. For this kid. I had been been searching and searching for some type of an understanding of all of this happening to me why? Why am I in so much pain? Why? What is the reason for all of this. And I ended up realizing just like this is not a journey of me trying to understand everything. This was what ended up being a journey of faith. For me, that's really what it ended up being. Because that's what happened in this whole whole mess that I ended up in, you know, being so ill I couldn't even move because I hadn't listened to myself. And I pushed myself past the point of no return. But it really made me go in within myself and find that space that I had ignored. With all the distractions of the world. And trying to avoid pain, you know what I mean?

Lauren: Yes.

Sherry: When you do do that, and have to go all the way in there. within yourself, you've realized what faith is all there is, it's like it's, it's just love. underneath it all, is a really powerful, powerful love that I now have. And so when these things are happening to me, it's kind of like the faith kicks in or something it feels guided to me now. This is this is what I'm doing now.

Lauren: It was really lovely sitting with Sherry. And I was so glad that she was able to join us again later in the season for an episode with her friend, Melissa, who's also a listener of the podcast, and joined us for Episode 50. Hearing loss and listening in Word. And it was really special. I get to sit with Melissa one on one, where she's from in Portland, Oregon, and talk about what it was like for her to go through the experience of progressive hearing loss, and how she made sense of it. And so this is one of the insights she gained through that time.

Melissa: When my hearing started getting less strong, it made it much easier for me to listen to myself. It forced me to listen to myself that forced me to stop listening to other people listening to outside world saying you should do this, you should do this, you should do this. And so for me when I started losing one of my senses are in crease the losing of my son. One of my son's is that's when the magic started happening away even though I hated it.

Lauren: One of the things I love about talking to Melissa is how willing she is to hold both the darkness and the light. So being willing to say, I really hated the hearing loss and to say in the same breath, here are the gifts that came from my relationship with hearing loss is so incredible and validating for so many of us who don't appreciate or enjoy the moments when we're experiencing these tremendous symptoms. But that also want to take the good stuff from it. The two are not mutually exclusive. And I really enjoyed this episode. For that reason, Melissa and I hosted an online event after this episode, which we called listening in using challenging symptoms as a creative path to your intuition. And you can find that replay of the event at the events page on our website. Here's a message from Melissa.

Melissa: Hi, this is Melissa Platt from Episode 50. Entitled listening in as well as Episode 64. Entitled enjoying the nonsense with my friend Sherry Espinosa. I just wanted to share something that I've learned from the this is not what I ordered community, which is I'm currently going through a flare up of my inner ear condition that causes hearing loss and pressure in my ears and other things. And even though it's not what I ordered, notice more and more over time that when I have flare ups since being a part of this community, that my very first thought is, I'm not alone. And I hope that you as a listener are able to have some of that same experience if you have a flare up of your condition. Or if you're just going through a hard time that you remember this community and that you're not alone.

Lauren: In Episode 51, enjoying the dive with Mike bahrami, Mike shared with us the bittersweet journey of experiencing tremendous pain in his body and resisting it, and also developing a new relationship with it. Here are some of his thoughts on that transformation, and how he created the wonder and magic in his life through such a dark time.

Mike: I don't know where the appreciation for it came in the time. But I look back at it now. And I love it. Yeah, because it showed me more sides of myself, then I was willing to look at before. I was scared of of who I could be who I really am. I think looking at it that way. It was really difficult. But at the same time, something within me kept just kind of ringing in the back of my ears. This is temporary. You have to just keep going. I didn't know what that meant. I knew how I felt about it. That's all I could say I couldn't rationalize in any way. And I'm a I tried to be very rational. But at that time, it became all about just, it's temporary. Let's have fun in this moment, because there's nothing else. So I had to create the elements of Wonder embrace the darkness. Look at it face to face and go Okay, what do you got?

Lauren: This is a really cool conversation with Mike about the peaks and valleys of his journey. And I'm really grateful to him for sitting with me and being so vulnerable. In Episode 52. You don't have to apologize with Natalie. We talked about how common it is to want to apologize for our symptoms, even though we know there's nothing to apologize for. And none of us wanted or invited these symptoms. And I loved the conversation. Because I think a lot of people could relate and I know we got some feedback from this episode that it was a real relief to hear this conversation about. Alright, what am I really looking for when I'm apologizing? And maybe it's that I'm looking for connection and reassurance, which is totally understandable. And there's this one moment from our conversation when Natalie shared a really special conversation that she had with her first diagnosing physician when she really realized that she had Ms. And in that conversation, her doctor shared some wisdom with her that stayed with her and still stays with her.

Natalie: But remember the first thing she told me she said whatever you were Doing or plan to do before I gave you this news? still go for it? Yes, there's gonna be complications. Yes. We don't know what's going to happen not to today, but you didn't know what was gonna happen up to today. Regardless if I told you you had ms or not. So don't let this diagnosis stop, whatever, whatever you've had played. And she was like, this is just like a bump in the road. That always echoes in my head like, okay, I can't be especially on the difficult days. I'm like, Okay, this is just today. This is just right now.

Lauren: This conversation was personally really important and lovely for me because Natalie and I met through a friend who introduced us because we both have the same diagnosis. We both live with Ms. And you can probably relate to how very special it is to sit with somebody who gets it in a way that most people don't. And I was really lucky to be able to sit in Natalie's living room with her for this really intimate conversation. In Episode 53, building your grace muscle with Latasha Doyle. It was wonderful to welcome Latasha onto the show as a guest after having been our show notes writer for the past two seasons, Latasha has this amazing way of sharing the deep dark stuff with a beautiful dose of humor. And just so much honesty. And there's this one story that she told about the support of her friends through challenging symptoms that really stuck with

Latasha: There was one trip we took to Austin and I get really overheated very quickly if I'm walking in the heat. And I wasn't even saying anything because I usually just like keep to myself like I'm gonna make it I'll be fine. I'm just diving a little bit. Nobody cares. And my my friend Ryan turns on his like, we need to get her to a bar. Now. I was like, Oh my god, I must look like death warmed over. And we get in there and he was just like, immediately to the bar like handing me beer like this. Does that help you? Oh, yeah. He doesn't have to say anything. It's just like, they just take care of it. And then they know exactly what I need. Because we've been friends for 15 years. You know, that same trip, I get stress fractures in my feet if I walk too much because my bones are not built the way other people are. And I got piggy backs to the hotel. But it's just like three, one of those moments where it's like somebody could really find this mortifying. Like, I can't believe I have to rely on my friends to take care of me like this. Versus me who's like, I didn't even ask for this. And I'm so blessed.

Lauren: This was such an incredible moment to share with Latasha and hear her deep gratitude for these friendships. And I'm just so grateful for her storytelling and her willingness to be open and share from her heart on the podcast. Here's a message from Latasha.

Latasha: Hey, hey, Latasha Doyle here, you might recognize my voice from a couple of episodes to season. My husband, Shane and I were on in early January before 2020 really settled in. And from an episode with Lily and Lauren, where we talked about quarantine and all of the wonderful things this year has brought. I'm excited to see what season four has in the store. And I'm just really thankful to be part of season three and to be part of the this is not what I ordered community. such an amazing community. There are so many amazing things that I've learned from the people on the podcast inside the community. And from Lauren herself. It's just a really amazing thing that she's created. And I am thankful for all of it.

Lauren: On Episode 54 better than a cookie cutter life, which is a couples edition episode with Latasha Doyle and her husband Shane. We had a really cool interview in my living room where Latasha and Shane turned to each other and talked about the things that they normally talk about in private. The two of them manage the topic of death in a way that most couples don't need to at the phase of life that they're both in. Latasha has a condition that impacts her life expectancy. And the two of them share with such raw honesty and love that this episode is one that I think I'm never going to forget.

Latasha: But that's definitely something that we we talk about a lot. We have to talk about it because it's like, we have no clue when this is going to happen the average age of an aortic dissection is about 42. And that's when my grandma died. That's when my aunt had her aortic dissection. My mom is almost 49 now, so she's cool. She's fine. But I'm 31. Now. So it's something that we have to talk about.

Shane: There's a much different thing, I guess it's true. You don't just you don't accept it necessarily just right away, you kind of maybe think you do, but I think you kind of grow into it. Because my family, I'm very young, my parents are not I think I'm my parents are like 70s, early 70s, and stuff. So they're a bit older, and like, healthy, quote, unquote, Healthy People just assume, and take for granted tomorrow, like forever, like, Oh, I always have tomorrow. That's a different mentality to be thinking that you that you don't like, my dad had a triple bypass that he had to have a couple years ago. And that's just something they weren't thinking about. Like, death is just not something that healthy people think about. And it's, I mean, I think that's just really one of the biggest things that I think is a great positive of this whole thing. Is that, like, you have to live like you. You know, like, I've seen it many times in government too, because I'm a government worker, people waiting, I'm gonna, you know, once I retire, I'm gonna go here and do this and do that. Well, that's not guaranteed. And then your health is crap by the time you get there, and yeah, and all this stuff. So you're not actually living now and things like that crap now. So let's go. So yeah, I mean, that's true. You got to, it's a balance. I mean, we're not spending everything we've gotten down to, to do whatever. But it's, it's a balance, and you can't, can't take tomorrow for granted. It's a weird concept to really, totally accept, I guess, yeah. I'm sure if I dated more, it would be in initial, like, Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Like, there are doctors for that sort of thing. And I think that that's sort of the mentality that he did come into it less. And then after my end, it was like, Oh, this doctors can't fix this. I think over time, it's evolved from like, oh, you'll be fine to like, Oh, so we actually have to do this. We have to accept this and work around this, work with it. And it hasn't taken away from the experience. I think it's made it better. Because the conversations we have now are like, oh, let's do it. Like whatever it is, you know, whatever you need to take care of yourself or whatever we can do now before even if my my physical body like just gives out, you know, we need to take international trips sooner rather than later because that those are hard on my body..

Lauren: You really appreciate it, how they shared so openly and Shane's perspective on how important it is to live your full life now, in Episode 55, sitting with the unknown with Michelle Horton, I got to sit in Michelle's office for this really intimate conversation, where we talk about the vulnerability of not knowing what will happen next with our bodies. And Michelle has a really unique view on how her relationship with the unknown and with her unpredictable body and health condition has evolved.

Michelle: I think there was a point that I really shifted from thinking that my body was working against me or had betrayed me in some way to realizing that my body was working with me to overcome this house challenge. Me that was such a transformational, I think shift or reframe to have of Wow, like no, it's a we were doing this together. We are navigating how to get through these challenges. It was a realization that took some time and I feel like really cemented as I went through pregnancy and navigated that and just all of the fear and the risk that was there. Now my body's doing this with me. It's not against me.

Lauren: I love Michelle's perspective. And it really helped me to live into a very similar approach with how I relate to my body. And I love the idea of being partners with our bodies, being partners with our health challenges. And knowing that we're trying to get through this life together. Michelle and I hosted an online event after this episode called being friends with your body. So if you'd like to hear more, you can listen and watch the replay from that event on our events page. In Episode 56, living with visible illness with Lashana Taylor, I got to sit in her living room in Washington State, and talk so honestly, about her experience of self image and how it transformed once she started using an assistive mobility device. And there is this one moment where she described so beautifully how her perspective changed.

Lashana: I think one of the biggest breakthroughs in this journey is mine is not invisible. It is very physical. And why Why was I so insecure? Why did I care so much about what pot people thought? Why? Through a lot of self work, I realized it was because A, had never had been forced to do the work inside to identify my beauty. On the inside, everything was strictly external. How beautiful you are, how gorgeous you are, oh, your hair is beautiful. You're so cute, you know. And the second that I am using an assistive device, I no longer felt any of those things.

Lauren: That part was taken away. In your your way of seeing it was I don't have that anymore.

Lashana: Yeah. So I had to turn inside and do the work.

Lauren: What have you discovered?

Lashana: I've discovered that the reason that I was so insecure for so long, was because I used to be a critical person. That's ugly. That's extremely ugly. Someone's identified, I was able to fix it. In the second that I fixed it, and forgave myself for all my, my critical comments and thoughts over the years, I began to be okay.

Lauren: Lashana is one of the guests that I met because she was an active listener and supporter of the podcast. And I just feel so grateful to be able to step into the lives of people who are touched by the show, and to shine a light on their gifts and their wisdom through these episodes. And just really grateful to leshawna for being willing to be a guest on the show. So thank you leshawna in Episode 57, solitude and connection with Andy McClellan. It was a real honor to spend this time talking to Andy for this conversation, which actually wound up being one of the most listened to and downloaded episodes of the podcast. I know, I've listened to it so many times. And I feel like Andy's essence really shines through in a story that he told about a cheeky squirrel who visits him.

Andy: I am basically confined to that I get to the bathroom once a day. And that is pretty much my experience. It's confined to a room. Although I'm fortunate I live in a ground floor flat in a rural location. By my bed, I actually have a door to the outside and I can open that door, I put peanuts out and a squirrel comes and visits. And it's a cheeky squirrel because if I don't put the peanuts out, but it goes open, she'll come in and just start opening the bag of nuts. But it's nice. It's like it connects to the outside world. And over the weekend, I was a part of an online Buddhist retreat. And we were talking about a poem from an eighth century Chinese monk called the song of the grassroot hermitage. And it was this monk who basically built himself a heart with the grass roots and he was just living in that and talking about his life and how he was just in this heart but the whole life was there and his experience. I thought that was you know over millennia ago in in ancient China, I I feel like this I feel like I'm a hermit in my heart. Admittedly, I have like a laptop and Netflix and control I don't think the amount you can do is necessarily related to the amount of life that you live. You can live a life totally fully from that.

Lauren: And this message is so crucial. And I think it's one of the core messages and learnings I've gotten from the conversations on this podcast over the past few years, which is that our worth is not determined by our productivity. And that if you're hearing this right now, and you're spending a lot of your time in bed, just know, listen to Andy's words and listen to his perspective on what it means to live a full life. I love that he gives us permission to be in the abundance of this moment, even though it's not going, perhaps in a way that we would have wished. I love that he honors our wisdom and our worth as individuals and our alive nest, even as we are still. On a personal note, I'll say Little did I know at the time, when he shared this wonderful story with me that I would be living in solitude, and in fact, isolation during the global pandemic. For a period of four months, my partner and I were separated by the Canadian border closure. And during that time, there is a little black cat that would visit me almost every day. And for those four months, that was the only physical touch that I received. And I thought of Andy so often, as I gained so much appreciation and love for this little creature. And little did this cat know how much he meant to me. And I will say that my partner and I have reunited, and the cat still visits us. And Andy, thank you for being a part of this is not what I ordered. And I think in fact, a teacher to so many of us. Here's a message from Andy.

Andy: Hi, this is Andy from Episode 57. I just want to say thank you to Lauren for another great season of this is not what I ordered. And I'm really grateful to have been invited to be part of it. I got some really good responses from my episode in the me community. And that was quite a relief because it was a worry to try and be a spokesman for an entire illness group. But most people seem to appreciate it. I really hope that everyone's gained as much as I have from being a part of and listening to this podcast and learning from people with a variety of different illnesses and experiences. It continues to inspire me to live a better life. I'm looking forward to season four.

Lauren: In Episode 58 courageous morning with Melinda laws. I got to sit down in person for this interview with my dear friend Melinda, as she shared not only about her health journey, but also her experience with grief after the loss of her husband. She shares in this really special moment about her relationship with emotions.

Melinda: To really push against the current culture that's death averse, that's grief averse. That really helps fuel that rush to the good. rush to the happy ending. Mm hmm. rush to the Yeah, but you might get remarried. Yeah, but look at how healthy and happier boys are. Look at how wonderful the coaches you know, Cricket Cricket great. I think some of my mission in this life that I have learned to befriend embody feel good about is that I am okay with being a one woman show who welcomes grief. I don't want the sad things. I don't want the tragedies to happen in my life or anybody's life. But what I found out the hard way is that I don't get a choice about that. So I've surrendered that because I don't have a choice. I've made so much peace with letting myself just feel feel the good things and feel the bad things. And what I found is that the more permission I gave myself to feel the bad hard, difficult, painful things. The more room there was to feel the joyful, beautiful, exquisite things more deeply. Almost like the the scale grew. After this terrible experience of loss. I became more capable of feeling even more on both ends. Yeah, sure the the pain side isn't as much fun. But with every experience of grief, there's the connection to David There's a connection to the life that would have been. And that's that sacred, I get to remind myself in that moment of, if he was here, he would be the coach, he would at minimum be on the sidelines holding my hand, basking in the joy of watching our son's play. And that's beautiful. And I don't want to miss out on holding both the pain and the joy of being alive.

Lauren: Melinda, you always give me chills when you talk about grieving and feeling our feelings. So thank you for the gift of your insight. And I just so appreciate understanding how we can expand our capacity for all emotions by being with grief. Melinda and I hosted an online event called transforming through grief, which you can also find on our events page. This is not what I ordered.com slash events. On Episode 59, giving yourself grace with Dr. Monica blyde. I so appreciated Monica's orientation around how she made sense of her health challenges, given her spiritual beliefs, which is something that I think so many of us can relate to in some way.

Monica: My health is not a measure of my faith. I had to completely rebuke, I'm going to use that word, this idea that if only I prayed enough, if only I were more faithful, if only dot dot dot, I wouldn't have lupus, or I would be healed of lupus. What I discovered for myself, and what I noticed that my clients were discovering for themselves was that with this illness, it was almost like a blessing. Like it was this beautiful thing that was created because now they pay attention and notice the laughter of children. And how awesome that is those little giggles Oh, or as they're driving, they'll actually be mindful and see the leaves on the trees blowing on the sides of the freeway. Or they'll take a moment and take a deep breath and appreciate the sunrise and the sunset. It's like these things that we really take for granted, when you're not sick. When you don't have the words chronic and debilitating, you know, that's what Dr. Google told me. You know, when you don't have that, you know, it's it's this sense of appreciation for life and the the breath that is in my body that I just didn't, didn't really appreciate before.

Lauren: One of the main messages that Monica shared with us in this conversation was the importance of self care, and how you really cannot pour from an empty cup. And after this conversation, we hosted an online event called self care as radical rebellion and incorporated some reflection around social justice, and how we can use self care in the movement towards liberation. And you can find that conversation on the events page for the podcast. Here's a message from Monica.

Monica: Hi, there. This is Dr. Monica blyde with Episode 59. And my wish for everyone is that you would remember your worth your focus, and what is true for you. And let nothing deter you from that. You heard in the episode that my truth was that my health is not a measure of my faith. What is your truth today? Stand in that walk in it boldly and unapologetically, and take really good care.

Lauren: In Episode 60. You are enough with Ijmal hater. We talked about something that I think a lot of us can relate to, which is what happens when there's a potential medical necessity. That seems really scary. That could potentially come to fruition.

Ijmal: Yeah, so sometimes people get worried like, Oh, no, don't think that way. I remember after the hospitals where parents have to deal with potentially I might need to get like an ostomy bag. And I'm okay with that. And they're like, oh no like that. No, that hopefully that doesn't happen. I was like, No, like, I'm letting you guys know like I'm honestly okay with that. If that's like, yeah, like if that's going to give me my life back then being like that's what it is. I have zero fear or shame in it. Of course, there's going to be an adjustment period, psychologically, physically, all of that, but if it's going to eventually lead me to get my life back I'm 100% on board for it to anybody that isn't in this world or in this community doesn't always get that. They'll be like, Oh, no, no, don't think that way. And it's like, No, I have to, I have to think about those things. Just like you have to think about, okay, if I go into a water garden, what happens if I fall in? And it's not because you're wanting to think of the worst case scenario, as you said, it's because you have to think about those things. It's the job. Yeah.

Lauren: There is a certain, I imagine protectiveness that your parents had, you know, when you shared that with them. And at the same time, the way you shared it sounded actually really lovely. Like, I've made peace to some extent with the possibility that maybe one day, I will have an ostomy bag. And how cool is that, because whether you get one or not, it ceases to be this threat in the same way that it might be to someone who hasn't really started to make sense of it in the way that you have.

Ijmal: Since finding this community online, of all these people, who are so empowered with their illnesses, and they have found their way, whether they have an ostomy or not. And having been able to talk to all these people, there's so many incredible people out there who have shown me not to be scared about anything, whether it was getting on biologics, whether it was being on steroids, whether it was being in the hospital, like so many of these people have empowered me in so many ways. And those are the things that have helped me make peace with every step that I've had to face so far. Therefore, whether I have to get a bag, I see them and I'm like, you know what, they have their trials and tribulations too, but so many of them have been given back their lives. And so many of them are such strong role models, that they have gotten me to where I am mentally today.

Lauren: I love that Ishmael also talks about the importance of the online network of people who support each other and relate to having a common medical condition. And he has been such a champion of uplifting the stories of other people in our chronic illness community. And I'm so grateful Ishmael for your willingness to be on the show and share your message. In Episode 61. It's okay, if you're not okay, with Christina Sarkis sova. Christina shares with us the dissonance between what we think it means to have a disability versus the lived experience of it, and the stigma that can show up for so many of us.

Christina: Before you've had an experience like this, it seems like the end of the world, like getting sick, or being disabled is the worst thing that could happen to you. There's so much stigma in our society around that. And so I think for me, especially when it got to the point, this was about two and a half or so years ago, or two years ago, I forget. But I started getting pains in my legs very suddenly, it felt like almost overnight. And at this point, I was living on a third floor didn't have an elevator. And so it got to a point where I could barely leave the house because of the stairs, my boyfriend at the time would carry me up and down the stairs. I mean, just saying the word disabled, felt like some sort of defeat, because I knew that that's how my family would see it and some of my friends perhaps, and society for all the downsides to having an invisible illness, which there are so many and that was what I struggled with for a couple of years here at the start. There's also a lot of downsides to having a visible illness. And that being a part of identity that's on display the whole time. And total strangers know that you have health issues and can wonder about them and ask you personal questions about them. And I was just not ready to accept that I needed a mobility aid. When I finally conceded that I needed a wheelchair like it just felt like this really really huge dramatic horrible thing and in retrospect now, I mean, of course that was part of the process me but in retrospect, right now, I love my wheelchair. It lets me do things that I otherwise couldn't add lets me go on strolls or walks are happy to call them. I'm able to go see my doctor in Brussels because I can use my wheelchair to travel. It's Just another tool. And I really wish that the same way that we're starting to educate people about diversity and other areas, we do that with illness and disability as well.

Lauren: Christina is so sincere and so relatable in what she shares. And I appreciate that she has created a whole business just to support people living with chronic health conditions called spoony box. And here's a message from Christina.

Christina: Hi, this is Christina from Episode 61. It was so wonderful to get to be a part of this community, to hear other people's stories and to hear from people who contacted me after my episode because they connected with what I had to say. Even for millions of miles away. It really underscores that we are a community, we have this unique shared experience. And spaces like these are so important for us. Since my episode, my business boonie boxes kept growing. And my health has actually improved a lot for the first time in six years, which is exciting, and scary. And kind of overwhelmed with possibility. And yes, that's an amazing problem to have. Thank you, Lauren, for allowing me to share my story with your listeners. chronic illness and disability are experiences that change you forever. And even though it definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, I really believe can be for the better.

Lauren: In Episode 62 chronic quarantine life, I am joined by Latasha Doyle and Lily Sloane, both people that appeared on the podcast, or appeared is that the word you use when somebody shows up auditorially they both joined me earlier in the season and work behind the scenes on the podcast. And it was really special to sit with them and have this distance chat about our experiences living newly in quarantine.

Lily: My body needs to go outside. My body needs to be near other human beings, my body needs to be touched by other living things. Some of those things are extremely limited right now. And some of those things are literally not happening at all, I have not had physical contact with another living being in over a month now. I never knew that that was the challenge I was going to face in my life. It's working with how there are things that my body and me as part of my body is experiencing, have experienced that are both internal and related to functioning of those stones, an external in relation to my my interaction with the world and my environment and other people. These these are experiences that are happening, and they're happening to me. And they're happening to other people as well. And it's just not something that I have a full say over. And that is terrifying to be living with and existing in a body that I depend on so much. And that depends on so much from my environment, and to be so limited and not know when the next you know bit of nourishment is going to come. And so that's something that I know I've had to work on a lot in my life. And this this is bringing it to a just like a new level that I never ever would have pictured or expected.

Lauren: I think Lily gave voice to such an important experience of vulnerability and having a body and having needs and living in this new age of coronavirus pandemic has brought that into the foreground I think in so many ways. So Lily and Latasha and I hosted an online event after this episode called quarantine chat. And you can find that on the events page for the podcast in Episode 63. No one else I'd rather be with with Erin and Leo Newman, and joined by this awesome couple who Leo was actually in season one, and then returned on Season Two with his wife Erin, and the two of them did this awesome couples interview. So for this reunion return episode, I wanted to chat with them about what life is like and quarantine with their son Hudson The three of them at home all the time. And they just, they shared so many of the ups and downs. But also, there's this very special moment in the conversation where I asked them about a special pre quarantine memory to take a little mini mental vacation back to a lovely time together. And I really enjoyed hearing their responses,

I will always go back to our 10th anniversary. 

That was one year post kidney transplant. 

Yeah, our honeymoon was fun. But it was like a, we want to choose a place that we can drive to within a couple of hours of where we're getting married. And so it was not like a really cool location or anything, it was just about kind of connecting and being together. But this 10 year thing, we went to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, and then all inclusive resort.

One of my favorite things was that I didn't have to cook at all, whenever and whatever you wanted.

That time for us was like, really the first time post transplant, it was just the two of us. And like, there's literally never a time in my life when I don't have our son right there with me. And so as much as I love him and value that I get to be home with him and spend all that time with him, just the two of us connecting again. And like he like, So who are you now that the crisis is over? And now that like we can talk just the two of us without interruption was was really great. So I always love to remember that time.

That's such a powerful question of who are you now that we've been through the hard part? Yeah, or one of the hard parts.

That was a good time. I was actually thinking the other day about one of our last really great uninterrupted date nights, when we went out to flat rock. That one was not the one that we most recently went to, but the one where we had that beautiful storm coming in on the horizon, and we were trying to beat the rain back down the mountain.

As I've been gearing up to make this transition into not working crazy hours all the time. That's one of the things that I keep replaying in my mind as I can't wait to get back to a time where we can just hire a babysitter and go up the mountain and spend time in our little retreat.

Flat Rock is just such a magical place. And I loved being able to go up there and get these fancy little desserts and walk around and eat some of the best food and have the day in with just the most beautiful, perfect storm.

Lauren: Not only did Erin and Leo share with me about their experiences, but we had our youngest ever podcast guests, their son Hudson, join us for the conversation as well. So in this next message from Aaron and Leo, you'll hear an update from Hudson as well.

Hi, everyone, this is Leo, Erin and Hudson from Episode 63. And we want to share just a few quick updates on our lives since our episode aired. Like everybody else, we've spent quite a lot of time trying to learn to adjust to pandemic world and really mostly have stayed home. There has been some big changes in our family. We are staying in of course, as I said, and I've transitioned from two jobs to one in order to allow myself the flexibility to quarantine and isolate as much as possible in order to protect myself and others that might be at risk, which has actually been a really good change for our family and provided an opportunity for some additional time together. And the opportunity to really do just do some more fun things as a family that we wouldn't have had otherwise which is an unexpected blessing of the coronavirus pandemic.

Erin: We are definitely enjoying having Leo home a little bit more and having some really intentional family time and we are looking forward to weather cooling finally here in the south and we will be trying to get out of the house for the first time coming up and we're all very excited. We're going to go and just stay in a little cabin in the woods away away from everyone but not within the four walls of our home and we're super excited. I am still editing and we are a couple of months into our homeschool for the year and everything is going really well.

Hudson: This is Hudson. I'm really enjoying second grade. I'm liking to skidder and making watermelons Breast milk, everyone stays Well, bye!

Lauren: In Episode 64, enjoying the nonsense. I'm joined again by Sherry Espinosa and Melissa Platt who joined me earlier in the season, separately, and our friends who met through the podcast. And one of the things I really, really wanted to do, and I think they did too, is to have a friendship episode where I interview them together. And since during quarantine, I was doing this series of episodes about quarantine life, I thought, well, maybe this is a good moment to connect with the two of them and talk about their friendship. So this is a lovely story that Sherry told about the experience of the two of them, Sherry losing her sense of sight, Melissa losing her sense of hearing, and how they relate together as friends with that shared but different experience.

Sherry: And that we both have lot or losing or have are dealing with the loss of a sense, you know, one of our main senses, I thought the other day when I was on, when we were on FaceTime together, and was sitting outside. And the birds are going crazy. For some reason. I thought, well, maybe it's because the air is so clean right now, I don't know, but they were going nuts. And I said to her, can you hear those? She's like, No, I can't hear you She goes, but if you turn the phone, I go, Well, I can't see I can only hear just like, well, if you point the phone at them, I can tell you what they look like. Okay. And that you know what that was a little lesson that I learned that day, though, is because in my life, I get that constantly from people like, Oh, can you see that? Or did you see that? Or and I always have this little part of me that goes home anytime. Do I have to tell you, I cannot see. And so now I'm feeling more compassion towards my family. Who does that to me because I know perfectly well that you can't hear very well, right, and I'm still going to hear the birds. That's a little lesson for me method.

Lauren: Melissa and Sherry and I hosted an event after this episode, called sheltering in place with our symptoms. And you can find that on the events page for the podcast as well. Episode 65 is called grieving, acknowledging and taking action. And it was a last minute very short episode to acknowledge the killing of George Floyd and to offer some reflections and spaciousness. As we collectively process this racial trauma, and also an invitation to come together and community reflect together in an online discussion forum called the podcast cafe, and also an invitation to check out some of the racial justice resources on the podcast website. This episode was followed by episodes 66 and 67, with Celia Hilson called race and what we don't say. And this was a two part dialogue that we had together to talk about racial justice. And I'm so grateful to Celia for joining me for really important dialogue, because I think there's something about processing it together in relationship that felt important. And also, the episode took place after a significant break. And a big reason for that is because I was reflecting on what needed to come next on the podcast, to make sure that we're contributing in a way that supports you and supports our community and the movement for racial justice.

Celia: Once George Floyd's killing happened, I like so many people was just made, just I am not getting up off the couch. You know, I am in fetal position. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it. I just went mute. Literally, I went mute. For some people that was hard. And and again, this is where the boundary comes in. At some point. I'm going to have to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it right now. Anybody? Well, let me put a let me put a parent denticle thought there where I did feel safe talking about it was with my family and with my son and with people who are going to have a direct effect. experience as a member of the black community, one of the things that sylia highlighted so beautifully in this conversation is what it means to live in a culture where racism is present, and the importance of acknowledging the lived experience of navigating this world in this culture as a black woman. And so, one example I often use is, when I used to hear people say, color doesn't matter, we're all the same. Race doesn't matter, we're all the same. I would often hear this mostly in the spiritual community, but I would hear it in other places, too. And my response would later be, okay, from a humanistic point of view, we are all equal. However, in this suit that I wear, called constructed as, fill in the blanks, black woman, single mom, blah, blah, blah, all of those inform my experience. And so when someone says, We're all the same, or it doesn't matter, that all of those things get negated, even if they were constructed. But because they were constructed in such a way that we lived it out, to the degree that not only are we oppressed, we are traumatized by a history. Yeah, that has routed us to that construction. So I can't just now say, Oh, well, you know, raises the construction. That's true. But now I'm living that experience that was constructed for me. So I can't just take the suit off. And this suit, I own, I wear like a cape now. Because it's it is a badge of black being a black woman is a badge for me. You know, it's a badge of honor is not the right word. It's sacred.

Lauren: This was a really special and powerful conversation. That's just one part of so much more that could be said about racial justice in the US. And Celia again, I'm just so grateful to you both as a friend and as a colleague, and as our social justice consultant for the podcast. I'm grateful for you bringing your wisdom and your willingness to be vulnerable. Here's a message from Celia. This is

from Episode 57. 

Celia: I had such an amazing time doing that podcast with Lauren. But other than having a great time, dialoguing about something that was really important. With an amazing, dear friend and colleague, I realized the importance of that particular conversation. I had a number of folks in my community and outside of my community, both professionally and personally listen to that particular dialogue and had some really thought provoking responses about how much it impacted them in some really positive ways. And some really healing ways. I don't think I expected the healing part. But it certainly opened some doors for that, also for me to further this work, and extending it in ways that I didn't think were possible. So I definitely have one to thank for that. And my wish for the listeners out there is that at this pivotal time of great change. There's so much shaking up right now. And I think it's for a good reason to have this time be a really introspective one of growth, of change, of feeling and of courage to have these really, really important conversations. Thank you for listening to Episode 66 and 67. I love being a part of Lauren's community and supporting the work that she's doing in the world. And I'd love to come back to have more conversations more deep, deep, fun and joyful conversation. My wish is that everyone be seen and heard. Thank you.

Lauren: In Episode 68, apart together with Monica, Michelle and Courtney brain, I was joined by two previous guests of the podcast, Courtney and season one, and Monica in season two. And both of them have a shared connection, in that they are also chronic illness podcasters. And it was really nice to sit with them and talk about quarantine life. And there was one really neat moment where Monica made a great point about accessibility. And the shifts that are happening for folks who, even before quarantine, are not able to participate in as many public activities because of disability. Or actually, the better word would be because of lack of accessibility.

Monica: I usually don't get out my house more than once a week, and that's for a doctor's appointment, and then grocery shopping on the way home. So I never get to do any of these things that are suddenly available like Hamilton is going to be on Disney Plus, I could never gone to see that. And no one needs to live my life. It's it's not as fun as it sounds, I swear and staying home all the time is y'all know that now. But there are so many things that I wanted to do that because the world was temporarily abled, I was never going to get to do and now that everyone's home, they're making all these concessions, like if things keep continuing digitally, I might actually be able to work again. I could never have a job that I would have to be somewhere at a specific time. So the idea that that we've already created an infrastructure for where disabled people could see Broadway shows we could see ballets we could like the arts are very not accessible. If you cannot leave your house you cannot like all sudden Google's like hey, we should put all these art museums on virtual reality online. So now I can go and see the Musee d'Orsay again, like I can, I can see art galleries, the arts are so not accessible and hisses me off because I am an art freak. And I can't see plays. I can't see ballets usually until it's like been 10 years and like, Oh yeah, we'll give you like this grainy recording that will allow to stay up on YouTube, maybe like maybe. So I'm kind of hoping for a mix so that you know, those who can leave the house can can have that experience again of going to the office or seeing each other but I really want these inroads to stay. I've never been so social I get now I have people who are like, Hey, you want to hang out on a yes, I would have loved that. You know, especially in the beginning. I mean, yeah, like the first two years, I was like rats out of the Titanic of friends, like everyone was gone. And I was like, I mean, I had my family, which I'm super lucky. I have kids, I have a wonderful husband and I have some friends who stayed but it was very solitary. And yeah, I would like this to continue where I still get to see people. 

Lauren: Something really special about this episode was how Courtney and Monica didn't know each other at the beginning. And I think at this point, they're definitely friends. They've created another podcast episode together on Courtney's show something positive for positive people. And they just share an awesome sense of humor. Here's a message from Courtney.

Courtney: Hi, this is Courtney brain from Episode 12. And Episode 68. Whoo, I got to be on there twice. update on my life to see my nonprofit something positive for positive people, which when I was on episode 12, at that point was just a podcast where I was interviewing people with herpes about their experience has now become a nonprofit. And I am able to pay for people to receive therapy based on the donations that people are giving to provide support to them as they navigate the therapy statement. So this is exclusively the therapy services for people who are living with HSP so that they can learn to navigate this stigma, and so much less it's from the third season of this is not what I ordered, Monica's episode really struck something in me in terms of how people deal with rejection, and to have your body constantly reject you, you know, this is the vehicle you're in, people are so deathly afraid of rejection, be it in their career for love, or for even just a disclosure of something. And here we have someone who's constantly in the state of being rejected by their body for wanting to do something and then their body just goes no, we're not doing that today. So I really, really recognize just my taking for granted. You know my ability to be able to do what I want and then have have kind of the natural acceptance of being able to do things and Just being willing to deal with the rejection that may come with it.

Lauren: This is not what I ordered is a podcast made not just by me, but so many caring wonderful people who are behind the scenes. And I'd like to introduce you to some of them. Here's amazing Jen Oliver, who does all sorts of administrative support for the show. I really appreciate Jen. Not only because she's such an amazing colleague, but also because she genuinely loves the show. She's been listening to it since before we connected, and it feels like a special privilege to have her here on the team with us.

Jen: Hi, I'm Jen, I'm the intuitive assistant and website administrator for this is not what I ordered. And as someone with fibromyalgia, I love working on this show, because I'm passionate about the chronic illness community and the story that our guests share. It's not every day that you find a podcast that not only highlights the struggles that we go through with our illnesses, but the empowering and often hilarious side of it as well. And having the opportunity to work on the show that I'm such a huge fan of has been amazing. I'm so thankful to Lauren for giving the chronic illness community such an inviting and safe space to come together. The guests are always inspiring and empowering. And there hasn't been an episode yet that hasn't brought me to tears in a good way. This show is a beacon for those of us who struggle with feeling epic, and a body that doesn't always want to cooperate. And I'm thankful to be a part of it. And to know that I'm not alone on this chronic illness journey.

Lauren: I'm also really grateful to work with Tristan brand, who is our sound technician for all the different in person interviews from this season. And Tristan is also my partner. And I'm really grateful for him and his incredible support, he really makes a difference and being present, and helping guests to feel comfortable and helping me to feel less worried about all the technical aspects and just focus more on the interviews themselves. 

Tristan: Hi, my name is Tristan brand. And I'm the audio technician who works with Lauren when she hosts live in person interviews with some of her guests. It's hard to think about this right now. And given that we're in the middle of a pandemic, and we haven't really been able to do any in person interviews in some time. But looking back over the last season, I had the fortune of being in the room. That's a crazy thought with some of Lauren's guests, as she interviewed them and talk to them about what their lives are like, it's a really unique perspective. And I do my best when putting together the recordings to help the audience have a sense of what it might be like to be in the space with those guests, I realized that I'm in a really privileged position when I get the chance to do that, as I can literally see in front of me the facial expressions and the body language and the sincerity of the guests that Lauren meets with. It's what been one of the best experiences I've had in my career. And I really hope that what we convey in these episodes comes across in some part as strongly as the moments do when I get to see them in person. I've really enjoyed working on this podcast with a Lauren and her team. I've mentioned that I felt privileged and that is not an exaggeration, I feel really, really lucky to be able to often meet and have a personal connection with with some of the folks that you get to hear in these interviews. And I hope wherever you are, that the job that we're doing is doing these guests justice and their stories justice, because I think we've all got a lot to learn from anyone that has made an appearance on this is not what I ordered. So thanks so much for listening.

Lauren: And I'm really happy to introduce you to Daniel link, who has been the editor for this is not what I ordered through potjie for the past season. And he actually has been a part of the podcast since the very beginning because he used to be the show notes writer before Latasha joined us. And Daniel is just someone who has a lot of heart and puts so much effort and attention into making each episode really special and lovely. And I'm really grateful for his professionalism and also the Spirit that He brings to this work.

Daniel: Hey there. This is Daniel link, the assistant editor at Podigy. And the one responsible for sticking together each episode of this is not what I ordered. So if you think there's a moment of silence that lingers too much or an M or that could have been cut. Yeah, that's on me. My bad. One of the finer perks of my job as a podcast editor is that by virtue of needing to listen closely in order to do my work, I get to learn a lot as well. And in the process of editing, this is not what I ordered over the last little while. I've come to understand how the show is a valuable resource for those who live with chronic conditions, as well as for people such as myself, who don't, but still wish to understand the limitations other folks live with. And I'm not just talking about the physical limitations, but also those imposed by social stigma, healthcare restrictions, and even actual architecture. I look forward to editing each episode of this is not what I ordered, and learning a little bit more each time.

Lauren: And last but not least, you remember Lily Sloane from several episodes this season, Willie has been the music editor for the podcast for the past two seasons, and I'm always so grateful for her sensitive support in bringing lovely music into the really powerful moments of each conversation with our guests.

Lily: Hey, it's Lily Sloane again. So along with being a guest on the show a couple of times, I am part of the team. And my role is that I do the scoring. So anytime you hear music, that was me putting that in there. Some of it is by other people, some of it is stuff that I've made. But whatever it is, it's there to help people's really deep emotional stories shine, and give you time and space to digest it and feel it and just sit in that. So I'm really honored to get to be part of making these interviews really come to life.

So please join me in sending a lot of appreciation and love and gratitude to these wonderful people who make this is not what I ordered happen. You've heard me thank the patrons of the podcast at the beginning of every episode this season. And I am truly grateful for every single person who has contributed financially to the podcast because it definitely is a labor of love. And in addition to that, there are some financial things that go along with making the podcast happen. So all the people that you just heard who are part of the podcast team, and then they're all other kinds of financial pieces to running a podcast and with the support of our listeners, we're able to continue with a full season three. And so if you were a patron of the podcast or you donated money at some point for season three, I just want to tell you that it is no small thing even if you feel like your contribution wasn't that much just know it really made a difference. So I'd like to spend some time thinking every single person who contributed financially to season three. Please join me in thanking them. Gina Harris, Jen downs, Christopher dick Latasha Doyle Noel Janka, Jessica wakers. Katherine Julian. Annie right. Archer Grady Emily carnet Gabriella Kozak, Emily whitish Aaron Nikki own. Ashley Rawlings Ali. Heather Singh. Monica Ellen bass. Phoebe how let Rebecca see. Gillian Wooten Linda Ford, Paul Byron Roche, Liam. Cynthia bahner Don Fisher, Mary Beth Lewis, Melissa Platt, Nancy Selfridge. Esther schippers Suzanne Schaefer, Rebecca pine, Nancy Mullen, Carly McCarthy, Helen Linda, Emily Irwin, Curtis Conrad, Megan Stevenson, Derek Avery, Jessie Cass, Alicia Allen, Jessica Morgenstern, Lynn Cobb Lammers. Becky Peterson, Julia Ward, Andy McClellan. Sue Jackson, john Brown, Aaron Qur'an, Kendra Korczak, healing doubt herbals, Jennifer Mattson, McClarty Ramsay Benjamin Selfridge, Samantha Jorgensen, Emily, Rebecca tieken Witten, Murray, Karen blackard, Allie Romero, Laura Reagan, the on the couch podcast, JP Cavalier, Stephen Ryan, Megan caliper and April snow. Thank you. Thank you, thank you to everyone who made a contribution to the podcast, for helping make it happen. And also for helping to share these episodes with people all over the world who can benefit from hearing the wisdom of all the guests that have joined me this season. So again, thank you so much. I'm incredibly grateful for you. And just before we shift into a state of the podcast address, I want to share this very special clip, which is the very last voice of quarantine from Season Three, where I'm joined by Samantha Jorgensen, who has an incredible little tidbit about how she's living her life in quarantine that I think can benefit all of us.

So you have created something called Green gossip. And I'd love to hear a little bit about what it is and how it started. It's the idea of when you see something in nature, that's just so exciting or beautiful or cool that you just tap to share it

with someone. And it doesn't have the negative connotation of gossip, but it's just like that really, excitement of sharing. It's like a different kind of gossip. Because typically, gossip is like this kind of sassy, you know, emotionally rot thing, whereas green gossip is when you're talking about nature, basically. Yes. So grounding, and has the opposite effect of traditional gossip.

Mm hmm. Although sometimes I feel kind of like a nosy neighbor, when I'm peeping through the blinds, like looking at a bird at the bird feeder. I'm like, what's that bird doing? Like, I'm really kind of nosy and curious about it. But then being able to share those things like, Oh, I saw this bird, the bird feeder, and it took a bath, and then it flew into that tree. So

it's true. I mean, I can totally picture you doing that. So one time, we were all meeting with the group, we were part of a group that was maybe for a few weeks. And I noticed that whenever you would check in there was often like a little snippet about something going on outside in your garden. And I realized that it actually really was affecting my body to hear just to like, take in information. There's a way that your speech kind of like slowed down a little bit. And you you just said, I noticed that this, you know, like a hawk landed in the tree outside.

And I was like, that is worthy of bringing up you know, like, I got really excited. Because it was, like you were reminding me that this is important to pay attention to.

Yeah, it's it definitely has helped me slow down a little bit. And I think it's important for everyone to slow down just for like a little bit, it doesn't have to be all the time. But if you're passing by a window, and you notice something, just to stop and pause and see what happens with the bird or the leaves. And it's just this little pause and you can have as many as you want throughout the day. It is like a kind of a grounding centering sort of thing.

And it's always there. And I often forget.

Yeah, and especially in this period of time of spring going into summer, things are changing so quickly. And a lot of things. If you don't see it, within a couple of days, it's gone. The kumquat tree, it was blossoming with all these white blossoms and then I went back a few days later because I wanted to take a picture and they were all almost gone. Like this such this brief display of brightness and sparkle and all the scent and then it just gone and if you blink your wallet must miss it. There's this little window we don't know how long anything is gonna be there.

Lauren: So how have you noticed that paying more attention and being more intentional about being present with nature with the plants and the animals? How has that impacted you in your life in big or small ways?

Um, in small ways, it's it's definitely the pausing and I think that paying attention to something outside of yourself can be really relaxing and grounding because whatever is going on inside it could be emotions or thoughts or body sensations. But if you if I pause and like look at something for a while it takes my attention away from myself and it's really it's a nice break. It brings a sense of wonder and even inside Like having the flowers there and watching them change and bloom, or having a house plant and seeing a little New Leaf or growth come up can be really exciting. There's definitely something healing about nature. And I haven't gone out for a walk in a while I just haven't had the energy, but just being able to look out my window or go out and sit on the back porch is, is just as nurturing, and it feels just as peaceful.

Lauren: I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And if folks want to kind of start following each other's green gossip, we can try the hashtag green gossip. Yeah, and kind of like trade little juicy pieces of gossip from the garden, from your walks from looking at your window from the house plant. I hope people you know, find some joy in it, and are able to connect and have some excitement and share what they see.

Before we finish the season finale episode, I want to give you a state of the podcast address. Right now I'm working on several exciting creative projects. And there is currently no plan for the podcast to come back or a date. And it's not determined yet what will happen in the future. So it could be that this show continues. It could be that another podcast is born out of this one. But whatever happens, I want to make sure that you're a part of the journey. I would really love your feedback if you could visit this as not what I ordered.com slash future and share with me your thoughts and hopes about what happens next. And as always, I'm incredibly grateful to you for being a listener and a supporter of the podcast. You are the reason that this podcast exists. I'm so glad that you are a part of this community with us. And our elections are coming up. And I really want to encourage you to consider voting if you've never voted before. Definitely vote if you have voted before. If you're on the fence about whether to vote, please go vote. And if you have dreams sometimes about voting, then go vote. If you know someone who's ever voted, please go vote. And if you don't know anyone who's voted, then definitely go vote. In case you can't tell, I'd really like for you to vote. And I know that I'm not alone. We need you. We need you to go out and vote. definitely make sure that everything's in alignment if you're planning to cast your ballot by mail, especially for those of us in the chronic illness and health challenges community. It's so important to have our voices heard. And voting by mail seems to be the way that makes sense for so many of us. Last but not least, vote for Biden, I'm voting for Biden, I cannot wait for you to vote for Biden. And I encourage you to tell your friends to vote for Biden, and especially if you're not sure if you're going to vote, you are especially who I'm talking to please go vote. I care about you so much. I care about our future. And I know that this election is going to be incredibly important. Thank you for joining me for this finale episode for Season Three of this is not what I ordered. If you'd like to join the discussion community for the podcast you can visit this is not what I ordered.com slash cafe. You can also visit the therapists and coaches who get it directory by visiting this is not what I ordered.com slash directory. Find us on social media at NW i o podcast on Twitter and Instagram and@facebook.com slash This is not what I ordered. You can also follow me personally on twitter at Hello Selfridge and on Instagram at Lauren Selfridge official. And as a reminder, I love your feedback on the future of the podcast. So visit this is not what I ordered.com slash future and let me know what you think. So take good care. Have yourself and I'll see you online.